What do you want to do

Published on Jul 6, 2020

  • Before 2020 even began, I thought of what would make a meaningful year to me, and something real clear came to me that I had been refusing to see. What would make 2020 a worthwhile year would be dedicating each month to a single individual, and writing a post about them everyday for that month.
  • I thought that if I were to pick a single person and focus on them for one month at a time to write ~30 posts dedicated to them, then that would make this year worthwhile.
  • In January, I began reading about [[COVID]] on [[HAckerNews]], but it was still a distant thing. A fear provoking nightmare scenario in far off China, but still.a scenario to be imagined rather than reality.
  • Once COVID was in Europe and making it's way to the states, I dropped all my past desires. I spent maybe two weeks doing absolutely no work. No programming, no writing. And I only consumed different types of media -- video games and TV shows -- and when not consuming media, I thought real hard about what I wanted to do. What I wanted to be.
  • When asked by others or asking ourselves, what it is that we want to do with our lives, it feels a professional decision. What kind of work do we want to do? What kind of lifestyle do we want to afford. What books do we ant to have written? But spending so much time away from regular society, I was able to to tune out all the noise and really explore, what is it that I want to do in this life? Who do I want to be?
  • We do ourselves a disservice by making this reflection such a professional one, when actually it is much more an existential one. In 2019, I thought the answer to the question was something along the lines of wanting to be paid telling stories and helping change the world and etc etc etc. But during my time of solitude, I was able to cut the bullshit... or I don't even want to call it bullshit because that casts it negatively... more accurately was able to tune out the noise of everyone else's opinions, their insecurities, and their everything else... all things that had nothing to do with me. And see with clarity who I wanted to be.