I often get this constricted feeling in my chest when I rush around. Which is most every hour of the day.
I've come to realize over time that this feeling is less related to my schedule than it is my expectations and my desire to have it all. I stopped in the park to see a friend but slowly felt more and more stressed as we spoke because I wanted to see another friend and getting writing in. My own little mental plans which were by no means set in stone kept me from being present with a friend. Well they almost did. I noticed my stressy build up and let it be, which didn't make me less stressed but helped me to focus on what my friend was saying. I began to actually engage in her words. But I also ended our talk rather early, which I think was fitting.
Honestly, I'm tired of writing about expectations. I've written so much about how our expectations control us, about how my mental schedule holds me back. It's done to death I think, I'm beating a dead horse. Unless there is some miraculous new way of considering things I haven't previously pondered. To be truthful, there probably won't be for a while. Realizations come slow.
What stories do you tell yourself?
Stories are powerful, primal. They've been around as long as we have and come out in every part of our lives. Everything we know is a story. More and more I'm convinced that even our hard sciences are just stories. Evolution is a story we tell about the past. It's a scientifically backed story but a story nonetheless. So if stories can shape our view about our whole species, imagine what they do on the micro scale of ours lives...
It wasn't until recently that I realized I try to make my life fit a certain story. For some reason I'm stuck on the bad boy turned good story line. Which makes no sense because I have never ever been a bad boy and probably don't have the stomach for it, even if I agreed with the morals of such a life. Yesterday I realized almost all of the media I consume relates to this central story line. I listen to G-Eazy and Token and love the movie Logan. I'm a sucker for books like the King Killer Chronicles, which tells the tale of a young man whose life gets turned upside down and finds his way through daring feats and storytelling. I want to be this character in this story I've made up. There's only one problem. I'll never be that character and that story will never be my story.
This is not to say we can't learn from stories that aren't ours. But we can't become and embody stories that aren't ours. I will forever be a white male who grew up in a privileged suburb with parents who did their best for me. That's my story and acting like it's not doesn't do me any favors. I don't think it's a particularly cool story, but hell maybe it can one day become compelling if I figure out how to own it.