Circle Back

Published on Jul 31, 2020

I haven’t been here in a while. So long that I’ve had to go into my password keychain because I could not remember my password. my life has gotten....overwhelming. My anxiety is a constant monster in my head and chest and everything is a whirlwind that might pull me under. This morning I watched a beautiful video about a girl with a terminal illness who defied odds and lived her best life. She got a lung transplant eventually and was so excited about how much more she could do for the world after the surgery. She never came out of the initial anesthesia, she suffered a stroke while still under and died. Do you understand how fucked up that is? Do you? Im not particularly suicidal at the moment, just in  an “what the fuck is this life?“ phase. I work 6 days a week, 7 days 2 weeks in a month cuz I got promoted and somehow my boss is not rushing to increase my pay. I don’t  make enough. Not even remotely. I never have. I’m totally sick of this piss poor existence. I experience amazing highs and periods of giddy happiness and in those moments I want to scream ”this is the meaning of life!”.  Right now, right now I feel sorry for myself and would rather be spared the pain of existence.